For men who have never been in the room, therapy can seem like a big step into the unknown and an experience that might feel unnatural. As men, we can be conditioned by society to keep our inner workings to ourselves, to not examine our thoughts or feelings, and to resolve our problems alone.
Many of us imagine that after we find a therapist, we will be thrust in at the deep end and asked to open up immediately, which would mean confronting and sharing things that cause us discomfort. We know that men struggle to open up about their feelings; Movember discovered that nearly half (47%) of men say they are unable to confide in even their friends about how they feel, never mind a stranger.
However, at Men’s Counselling Service we believe that if more men knew how it might actually feel to talk to a therapist, they would be much more open to exploring the transformative benefits of therapy. According to our members, as much as 90% of men feel some degree of weight lifted from their shoulders after just one session.
With that in mind, in this article we’re going to demystify three common misconceptions men hold about what therapy feels like.
Do I Have To Open Up Immediately?
Men's therapists tell us that men arrive in the room thinking they will be forced to open up about everything straight away. This fear keeps many from ever making an enquiry, or picking up the phone.
At the heart of this sits the fundamentally male fear of opening up. Despite the massive strides we have made towards making men feel they can talk about their troubles, a stigma remains around expressing our feelings. It just isn’t something many of us do in our day-to-day lives, and as anyone with a sweet tooth will tell you, breaking the habit of a lifetime can be exceptionally difficult.
This is also strengthened by the fact that men don’t want to be perceived as a burden; Priory Group found more than a third (36%) of men identified this as a reason they have never spoken to anyone about their mental health
In reality, counselling for men isn’t like this at all. There is no expectation for you to open up about everything immediately. Therapy goes at your pace, talks about topics you want to talk about, and does not go where you don’t want to go. Anecdotally, many of our men’s therapists say it can take a long time to touch upon the deeper issues, and that is perfectly fine and aligned with their expectations.
To begin with, the vast majority of therapists will arrange a short call with you to get to know one another as a starting point, which helps give you an understanding of what to expect and how you might work together. Furthermore, the first session is generally a slow paced conversation to determine whether you will benefit from therapy, and to start building a rapport with one another. It is anything but running headlong into the issue.
Establishing a comfortable and trust-based relationship is a real priority for any therapist, and as a fully accredited professional, the last thing that they want to do is to make you feel uncomfortable. At the heart of this training and experience lies the understanding that building a trusted relationship can take time.
Will Therapy Make Me Feel Uncomfortable?
Opening up about what has been troubling us or causing us distress can feel like an incredibly intimate and perhaps uncomfortable experience. When you have spent so long not talking about (or even avoiding) your feelings, it can be scary to confront them head on.
Some of our therapists have described men as fearing that the therapeutic process will be a constant state of deep and intense emotional confrontation. However, as outlined earlier, this isn’t the case.
In the context of confronting uncomfortable feelings, starting therapy can also feel like a loss of control, which again is something men are conditioned to avoid. In reality, it’s actually the opposite of this. Making an active choice to understand your own patterns, reactions, and emotions with more clarity is one of the more deliberate acts of self-determination you can make. Think of it as choosing to take your car to the garage when you feel a troubling vibration, rather than waiting until you break down on the hard shoulder.
Shouldn’t I Solve My Problems Myself?
Building on this, our therapists often tell us that some men feel that they alone should be responsible for solving their problems. Sometimes our society projects the male ideal of a strong man who is a self-reliant problem solver; men should work through it alone.
We think it’s healthier to reframe the decision to get help as one of the more self-reliant undertakings a man can commit to. As mentioned, therapy is not a process where the therapist does all the work for you. It's more like planning a route through unfamiliar terrain. You decide the pace, the path, and how far you go. The therapist is less a guide who leads you somewhere predetermined, and more someone who reads the map alongside you.
Paradoxically, some men are also put off by the lack of a clear outcome and structured path towards ‘getting better’. For example, if you go to the gym regularly you can see yourself making progress through either more weight on the barbell or less weight on the scale. Improvements in how we feel can appear far more abstract and less tangible. Our relationship with ourselves isn't fixed, and we can’t benefit from a scale or mirror to check in on our progress.
This lack of tangible benefits from the outside shouldn’t deter you, however. While you might not get where you're heading from the outset, a lot of men do feel better from the start. According to a large-scale survey conducted by the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, three quarters (76%) of men who had therapy would recommend it to someone who’d had emotional difficulties or a mental health problem.
Getting The Help You Need
If you need help, or are struggling, you shouldn’t let your misconceptions about therapy stop you exploring whether it would be a good fit for you. You might have the idea that therapy will be an uncomfortable experience, and it can be at times, but in reality it’s probably far different to your expectations.
If you’re interested in learning more, you can browse fully accredited therapists for men via our directory. There is no commitment needed, and you don’t need to sign up either. The process usually starts with an email and a call.