By Liza Boswell, Elbee Counselling
Why I Work With Men Who Struggle With Anger
Before becoming a counsellor I spent thirty years working in builders and plumbers merchant often the only girl working alongside my male colleagues. It was a harsh environment, where being called a ‘knob head’ was a term of endearment. We were a dysfunctional family. To some I was their mum, to others their sister, often just their mate or occasionally a potential shag, however I always had the unique and very privileged position of being the ‘one they talked to’. With men often exhibiting higher levels of anger than women, (Speer and Kirkwood, 2007), my therapy room was the warehouse, or the kitchen, whispered words, a shared secret. Sometimes it would be an evening Whatsapp, occasionally a late night call filled with tears and frustration, not knowing who else to call, or what else to do.
How Some Men Express Anger
During one of these late night calls, a colleague expressed that he felt he had the world on his shoulders and life would be easier if he wasn't here. The next day he came into work with a bandaged, bruised and swollen hand. I always microwaved my breakfast at 9am, so could be relied upon to be in the kitchen. It became a convenient time for someone to make a brew, and catch up with me. We discussed the previous night, how worthless and overwhelmed he had been feeling and, of course, the hand. That's when he explained the anger he had been feeling was, “just why men punch walls, isn’t it”.
Why Some Men Bottle Emotions Up
Is it? I don’t know. It's not something I had really thought about before. But now that I thought about it, I did know at least half my colleagues had punched a wall, or a door or smashed something up in anger. Is this what it's like to be male? To have so many feelings bottled up inside. Feelings with nowhere to go. Were anger and aggression the only safe places for men's feelings to be channeled?
Why Some Men Don't Cry
When I thought about it, I could see why this would come to be. Some men are taught from an early age that it's not okay to cry, and that they need to ‘man up’, and to ‘stop acting like a girl’. Scolded as little boys for crying but praised for hitting their mate, for standing up for themselves. Often turning to drink as men to help drown their feelings - statistics show that men are more likely than women to exceed recommended alcohol limits (NHS 2019).
It's completely acceptable for men to go for a few pints after work. But a few becomes, five, five becomes eight, yet the emotions are still there and now they are more intense. Now there’s a choice between, crying in the corner of the pub or hitting something. Feeling in that moment that anger is the only acceptable emotion, the others repressed, held inside, until one day all the emotions suddenly resurface and the wall cops it.
A Way To Deal With Anger
But what if there was a better way? A healthier way? A way that involves less broken bones? What if someone could help you address all that anger, shame, hurt and frustration. Could help you see that the emotions you are carrying around deep inside of you can be acknowledged and accepted, until they no longer control you. What if someone truly listened, without judgement and saw you? I mean really saw you, how would that feel? To gain control of the aggressive, erratic person inside and become more confident and in control.
Where To Start When Seeking Help
Would you even know where to start, with accessing counselling, therapy, whatever you want to call it. Would you feel comfortable reaching out to someone saying ‘I need help’. Or would it feel like weakness? Does the thought of counselling make you feel uncomfortable? Speaking about your emotions with a stranger, no way.
What If Therapy Was A Better Way?
Perhaps keeping everything inside hasn’t worked for you so far, unwanted emotions have a habit of finding their way out. So what if you took a chance on therapy? According to NHS London (2023), 92% of men reported getting what they needed from talking therapy.
What if instead of spending money on eight pints, you spent it on talking to a counsellor once a week? Money invested in yourself, in your own mental wellbeing. What if I told you can choose a counsellor online, have counselling online, from the comfort of your own home, parked car or wherever feels safe and confidential. You don’t have to go to an office, or worry about sitting awkwardly across a desk. Therapy can be accessed on your own terms. Would you give it a go?
Written by Therapist Liza Boswell, Elbee Counselling. To find out more about Liza Boswell and the therapy and counselling services she offers click here, or the button below.
