By James Francis, Psychotherapist / Counsellor in Ulverston
When the Narcissist Is in Your Life: A Message to Men Healing from Hidden Abuse
It’s not easy for most men to use the word abuse when describing something that happened to them. Many were raised to believe that being strong means pushing through pain or handling things alone. But what happens when the harm isn’t physical — when it’s emotional or psychological?
Narcissistic abuse can be subtle, confusing, and deeply damaging. It can come from a romantic partner, a parent, a boss, or even a close friend. And because it often hides behind charm, charisma, or confidence, it can take years to recognise what’s really going on.
What Narcissistic Abuse Can Look Like
It often begins with what feels like an incredible connection. You might feel understood, admired, or even idealised — finally seen in a way you haven’t been before. But slowly, the dynamic starts to shift.
You may notice:
• Criticism where there used to be praise
• Silent treatments or explosive anger when you set boundaries
• Being blamed for their moods or mistakes
• Feeling like you’re constantly explaining yourself
• Questioning your own memory or sanity after every disagreement
This is the cycle of idealisation and devaluation — a hallmark of narcissistic abuse. Over time, it wears you down, leaving you anxious, disconnected from yourself, and unsure of what’s real.
Why Men Often Struggle to Name It
Culturally, men are often taught that being mistreated emotionally isn’t something to take seriously. Many men minimise their pain, telling themselves it wasn’t that bad, or that they should have seen it coming. But emotional abuse doesn’t discriminate by gender. Narcissists target empathy, loyalty, and a willingness to take responsibility — qualities that many men value. The result is a slow erosion of confidence and self-trust. It’s not weakness to admit you were manipulated or controlled. It’s actually a sign of strength and awareness — the beginning of reclaiming your power.
What Healing Can Look Like
Healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t about fighting back or proving a point. It’s about restoring your sense of self — the part of you that knows your truth and deserves peace.
Here are a few starting points:
1. Name what happened. Writing or talking about your experience helps break the fog of denial.
2. Reclaim your reality. Keep track of what you know is true — your feelings, your memories, your perspective.
3. Practice boundaries. Saying no or stepping back from toxic dynamics is not selfish; it’s self-preserving.
4. Find safe connection. Healing happens through connections. Whether through therapy, a men’s support group, or a trusted friend, choose people who listen without judgment.
5. Give yourself time. Recovery isn’t linear. There will be moments of clarity and moments of grief — both are part of healing.
You’re Not Alone
If you’ve been in a relationship or family system that left you doubting your worth or your sanity, please know: it’s not your fault. You don’t have to carry this silently, and you don’t have to figure it out alone. You are allowed to take up space, to set boundaries, and to expect respect. Healing from narcissistic abuse is not about becoming someone new — it’s about remembering who you’ve always been. If this resonates with you or someone you know, consider reaching out for support.
As a therapist, I help men understand and recover from relational trauma and emotional abuse. You deserve to be heard, believed, and supported as you rebuild your sense of self.
