By Helen Catterall, Counsellor MBACP
Parenting can feel tough. Many men want to do some things differently from how they were brought up but stress, work pressures and old habits can creep in. You may find yourself snapping when you wish you had stayed calm, or feeling guilty for reacting in a way that reminds you of your own parents. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone.
Home life can be stressful and, when emotions run high, it can feel like every situation becomes a battle. Many dads feel they should be fixing problems or getting things under control. But what if parenting was less about control and more about connection? If you are struggling with parenting or often feel like a bad dad, it does not mean you are failing. It may just mean you need some new tools.
This is where the PACE approach, developed by psychologist Daniel Hughes, can be helpful. PACE stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. It is grounded in research about child development and attachment but, in everyday life, it comes down to four simple qualities that can transform how you connect with your child.
Why PACE matters for dads
Children thrive when they feel safe and understood, but this does not mean letting things slide or ignoring what matters. Kind but firm boundaries give children security and show them you are strong enough to hold the line. How you set those boundaries matters. Your tone, words and patience all become part of your child’s inner voice; the way you respond now shapes how they learn to talk to themselves.
For many men, this can feel like a heavy responsibility. If you grew up with criticism or emotional distance, it is easy to repeat those patterns without realising. The good news is that change is possible. PACE offers a different way of being with your child that encourages cooperation, builds trust and reduces conflict.
How to use PACE day to day
Playfulness can shift the mood in a moment. It might be using a silly voice on the school run or pulling a funny face when tempers flare. Small touches of humour remind your child that you enjoy being with them, even when things are tense.
Acceptance means showing your child you love them for who they are, while still being clear about what behaviour is not OK. Saying, ‘I can see you are upset and I love you, but it is not alright to hit your brother,’ shows that the bond is unshaken, even when rules are enforced.
Curiosity is about wondering what lies beneath the behaviour. Instead of going straight to anger when your son refuses to do his homework, you might ask, ‘I wonder if this feels too hard right now?’. That small shift can help your child feel less defensive and more able to talk.
Empathy is about stepping into your child’s shoes. When your daughter slams the door because plans change, saying, ‘I get that you are angry. It is hard when things do not go the way we expect,’ shows you understand. She still needs to follow the rules, but she no longer feels she has to face the big feelings alone.
You do not always need to fix things. Sometimes just listening is enough. Sitting with your child and letting them know their feelings make sense can be far more powerful than rushing in with solutions.
At first, using PACE may feel awkward or uncomfortable, especially if it is very different from how you were parented yourself. Younger children will not notice the change in your technique; they will simply feel more secure. With older children and teenagers, you might even talk openly about what you are trying to do, sharing that you want to feel more connected with them. Being honest about your efforts models courage and shows them that relationships can grow and change.
Parenting is demanding and no one gets it right all the time. When you lose your temper or slip into old habits, try using PACE with yourself. Be your own best mate. The patience and kindness you practise with yourself are the same qualities your children will learn to practise for themselves.
How to build on PACE
Parenting with PACE is not about being perfect. It is about connection, repair and creating a safe space where children feel understood. Many dads find that once they bring more playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy into daily life, home feels calmer, arguments reduce and family life feels more like a team effort.
If parenting often leaves you feeling frustrated, guilty or overwhelmed, counselling can provide a space to talk it through. You do not have to carry it all on your own. Sometimes having a place to be heard and supported is the first step towards finding a different way forward for you and your family.
