By Katherine Purdy, Counsellor & Psychotherapist.
Many men struggle with the signs and symptoms of intimacy issues, such as emotional distance, communication breakdowns and a fear of vulnerability. This can lead to feelings of frustration, loneliness, guilt, inadequacy, pervasive hostility and a lack of trust in relationships.
Ann Pietrangalo wrote in 2019 for www.healthline.com ‘To be intimate with someone is to share close emotional or physical ties. If you fear intimacy, you fear becoming too close to others’.
You may feel that there is a part of you that you just can’t fully share, or a worry that you may not be able to truly satisfy your partner, or yourself. People who experience these fears often don’t want to avoid intimacy, and may even crave closeness, but frequently push others away or even sabotage relationships.
‘For someone who fears intimacy, the problem often begins when the person finds relationships becoming “too close”’ (Fritscher, Lisa. 2024).
What Causes a Fear of Intimacy?
A fear of intimacy usually stems from past experiences, insecurities and beliefs, which all shape how you connect with others.
A Fear of Intimacy: Some Common Causes
• Past sexual abuse; often leading to difficulties being able to trust others
• Fear of abandonment; which can be the result of someone being abandoned (physically or emotionally) by a caregiver growing up
• Fear of engulfment; of being dominated or controlled and the possibility of losing oneself in a relationship
• Anxiety; the act of intimacy leads to bodily reactions that can mimic the ‘fight or flight’ response associated with anxiety or panic attacks, which can lead people to try to avoid it at all costs. Also, social anxiety and fears of being touched can be barriers to intimacy.
The Impact of Experiencing a Fear of Intimacy: What Does It Feel Like?
When you are in a relationship you may experience some of the following:
• Difficulty trusting your partner’s expressions of love or relationship motives
• Emotional outbursts
• Self-sabotaging behaviours
• Withdrawal from physical contact
• Problems in communicating openly and effectively
And outside of a relationship you may see:
• Signs of perfectionism
• A history of serial dating
• Feelings of low self-worth
• Difficulties communicating openly
• Discomfort when someone expresses their needs or feelings
Why do men often struggle to reach out for help regarding their relationships and sexual health?
The Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviours (GSSAB) investigated various aspects of sex and relationships among 27,500 men and women aged 40-80 years. Although almost half of all sexually active respondents had experienced at least one sexual problem, less than 19% of them (18.0% of men and 18.8% of women) had attempted to seek medical help for their problem(s).
The Psychology of Male Intimacy Issues
• Psychological factors – low self-esteem, body image issues, a fear of failure and perfectionism can all lead to sexual dysfunction and relationship issues.
• Cultural conditioning and masculinity – fears of emasculation and a perception that problems in these areas reflect ‘weakness’ or that self-worth is linked to sexual performance.
• Social expectations – a belief that men should be ‘tough’ and not talk openly about their problems, which can lead to problems forming deep connections. A consequence of this is that men often struggle to put language to their problems and lack confidence in expressing how they feel.
Male Sexual Health: Overcoming the Fear of Judgment
• Fear of blame/judgment – this can be a huge barrier for men reaching out for support with sexual issues, often believing that their problems are rare or abnormal, whereas in reality they are very common.
What are some sexual health problems that affect men?
A person experiencing sexual dysfunction may have problems with:
• Sexual desire – when there is little or no interest in sex, or where there is a desire discrepancy and partners libidos don’t match.
• Arousal – when desire doesn’t lead to arousal.
• Orgasm – a person may be in the mood and is able to have sex, but is unable to reach an orgasm.
There can be many reasons why men may experience these problems, including stress, anxiety, depression, lack of confidence, relationship issues, medication, and aging.
It is important to remind yourself that this isn’t a reflection of your value as a human being. Speaking with a therapist can help you to explore why you might be afraid of getting close to others, or why you are having problems with your sexual relationships.
How can therapy help?
Seeking non-judgmental support from a therapist in a safe space can help you to develop the tools to express yourself authentically and connect with others on a deeper level, building stronger and more fulfilling relationships. Sexual problems are extremely common and often treatable. There is no need to suffer in silence. Therapy can help you to build skills to encourage confidence and take back ownership of your self-worth.
Men talking openly about therapy or relationship struggles creates an environment which makes it feel safer for others to do the same. Together we can help to challenge the unhelpful societal expectations and masculine norms that contribute to many men continuing to suppress their emotions and not reach out for the help they deserve.
Interested in speaking with a therapist?
This article was written Katherine Purdy, to find out more about Counsellor and Psychotherapist Katherine Purdy and the services she offers click here, visit her website www.satoricounselling.co.uk, or click the button below.
