One thing that often comes up in conversation with therapists about counselling for men is that we tend to wait until our problems are causing us a significant amount of distress before seeking support. There's absolutely nothing wrong seeking help in times of great difficulty, but sometimes men could benefit from reaching out that little bit earlier.
Research from the Priory Group confirms just how late some men can leave it; in a nationwide survey two-fifths (40%) of men revealed it would only take thoughts of suicide or self harm to seek professional help.
It’s a bit like having problems with your knee. You probably wouldn’t wait until you couldn’t walk before going to see a doctor. You’d likely notice that creaking noises and shooting pains were causing you great difficulty, and do something about it.
At Men’s Counselling Service, we want to help men feel empowered to reach out for support no matter how serious their problems feel to them. With that in mind, this piece takes a look at the patterns our men’s therapists see in terms of men reaching out for support, and looks at the benefits of reaching out that little bit earlier.
What Our Men’s Therapists See
Our therapists frequently tell us that men often arrive in the room when they have reached one of two points; a breaking point or a trigger point. This can manifest itself as what feels like a die or die moment; perhaps the stress of life feels overwhelming, maybe they feel like it’s impossible to manage an issue on their own anymore, or sometimes they feel stuck in a rut that they cannot get out of.
The reason for the delay often lies in the views and values that our society can project onto men. They should be stoic, and often resolve their own problems themselves. In such an environment, reaching out for support can feel like an acknowledgement of failure and therefore only necessary in the darkest of times. As mentioned, men can also view their problems as not serious enough for therapy. This causes them to delay accessing support, which means by the time they step into the room, problems can have compounded to the point where they feel unmanageable.
Our therapists often also see a big life event being one of the key catalysts that leads them to seek support. For example, many cite the breakdown of a relationship as leading to men questioning their identity and purpose. Other issues frequently brought up include grief, job loss, or becoming a father. Sometimes men’s therapists also report that the physical symptoms of mental health like panic attacks and a physical sense of anxiety can also lead them there.
Therapy can undoubtedly help men navigate these issues and understand their feelings. That said, there is a lot of merit in reaching out before things break down or become more overwhelming, which is a huge reason why we launched Men’s Counselling Service.
Reframing Reaching Out
Choosing to seek support before you hit a trigger point can help you deal with challenges before they become either entrenched or unmanageable. For example, what feels like a low mood today doesn't always stay this way, and if you find it recurring again and again in everyday life, it could be worth exploring support.
By engaging in support that little a bit earlier in the process, you could work with the problem earlier. As one of our men’s therapists Bob Dixon writes, you can think of behaviours and rivers like a mountain stream. Higher up a mountain, the banks of the stream are more malleable and therefore easier to shift. At the bottom, when the stream becomes powerful and entrenched in its flow, changing the route therefore becomes much harder.
Therapy helps men understand patterns that don’t always jump out to us immediately. This could include why specific situations trigger the same reactions and emotions, or why similar problems persist in our lives. Taking a step back and seeing this can be that little bit easier when the problem isn’t overwhelming. Burnout, which affects many men, can be a great example of this. What starts as a feeling of pressure that feels challenging but manageable, can soon evolve into exhaustion, chronically poor sleep, and a total lack of motivation.
But, by engaging in therapy before patterns become deeper and firmly set, you can potentially intervene earlier. In counselling for men, a therapist can help you identify where the pressure is coming from, how you respond to it, as well as what the warning signs are you might have been dismissing.
Therapy as a Tool for Unlocking Your Best Self
Therapy can also be a fantastic tool for men when it is reframed as something that can help them when nothing feels massively wrong, too. The threshold for getting support doesn’t always need to be a significant life event or something you are consistently losing sleep over. A lot of men take value from therapy when nothing feels particularly off kilter, and one of Men’s Counselling Service’s key missions is to help more men reap the benefits of this approach.
At its heart, therapy is a practical tool for problem solving and self-understanding. There is a big upside in understanding yourself well enough to make better decisions, build stronger relationships, and decide what kind of life you want to build. This can not only help you operate better, but ultimately might help put you on firmer footing when life throws a curveball at you (as it often does).
By engaging with patterns in how you relate to stressors like work trouble and relationship issues proactively, you are subsequently in a better position to deal with the negative thoughts and feelings that emerge when things get difficult.
Finding Counselling For Men
A lot of men who come to therapy soon wish they had explored getting help a little bit earlier. This isn’t because things weren't difficult enough before, but because by the time they arrived, they'd been struggling with or carrying something painful for longer than they needed to. The trigger point, whatever form it takes, tends to feel like the beginning of the story. Usually it isn't.
If you're curious about what talking to someone might look like, our therapist directory connects you with men’s therapists who work across a wide range of situations and starting points.