By Mike Nistor, Pluralistic Counsellor in Kent
Let us consider two quotes from that well-known modern alpha male wannabe Andrew Tate – ‘Women are property’ or ‘Life is war. Masculinity is war’. It is of course easy to look at these and dismiss them as an extreme position of one mal-adjusted male, but the reality is that he is followed by too many people that share these views. It is so dangerous to pretend that one extreme individual is not like us, but the reality is that he rose from our midst. It is not the opinion of one emotionally insecure individual that is the problem but that the rest of us prop him up. We need to accept our collective roles in this.
Extreme Views Don’t Appear In Isolation
But maybe it was ever thus. Patriarchy, in its infancy, was built on the desire to ensure that the offspring one begot were truly theirs. Then it evolved into a scramble for resources and dominance. Darwin’s ideas on evolution provided the perfect context for the modern man – survival of the fittest, dominance, competition, emotional detachment. It did not even matter that what Darwin meant by survival of the fittest was not puritan coldness. Nevertheless, these ideas did create the basis for the modern man, caught in the historical narrative of being strong and dominant and societal change where other behaviours are also celebrated. I have heard tell so many times that some men yearn for the age where men were men – whatever that may mean. The modern man is at a crossroads – the burden of the past dominance facing the increasing need for kindness and cooperation. When that pressure to choose a path becomes too great, men often feel left out, misunderstood, lonely and confused, angry.
Well, I hope I can alleviate some of these pressures. Prof. Penny Spikins is a well know anthropologist who casts serious doubt over this dog-eat-dog agenda. Her latest book- ‘Hidden Depths’ follows on from her original ‘How Compassion Made Us Human: The Evolutionary Origins of Tenderness, Trust & Morality’ and it explores how emotional connection shaped human evolution, emphasizing care, empathy, and social bonds as survival strategies.
What Anthropological Research Shows
Spikins argues in her work that emotional capacities—like empathy, compassion, and care—were not just byproducts of evolution but central to human survival and development. These traits helped early humans adapt to changing environments and form resilient social groups. She provides some key insights in which men as well as women play a significant part as follows:
• Care for the vulnerable (e.g., injured or disabled individuals) was a turning point in human evolution, suggesting emotional intelligence long before language or tools.
• Social emotions like guilt, shame, and love evolved to maintain group cohesion and regulate behaviour.
• Symbolic expression (art, burial, ornamentation) reflects emotional depth and shared meaning-making.
• Comparisons with other social mammals (like elephants and primates) highlight how ecological stress can foster emotional adaptation.
In this way, Spikins challenges the traditional view of evolution as driven solely by competition and survival of the fittest. Instead, she presents a compelling case for connection, care, and emotional depth as evolutionary advantages. In other words, we are the product on cooperation not singularly due to dominance and conflict. In denying this side of themselves, men are essentially trying to deny their own evolution.
The Role of Trans Men in Rethinking Masculinity
This is gap between nature and nurture; is where trans men are so needed. They can really help in re-writing the macho man, alpha male narratives. Trans men can help reshape masculinity by modelling versions of manhood that are empathetic, inclusive, and non-threatening, challenging toxic stereotypes while expanding what masculinity can mean. In essence they are bringing it closer to its evolutionary roots.
A Practical Message For Men
Considering the above, this is my message to the men I work with: you can be assertive without being aggressive, you can state your needs without being a bully, you can be kind and vulnerable without being weak or ‘woke’ (whatever that is). Ultimately it is rising beyond the reductive societal pressures and engage in genuine human connection with others. It is what makes you human.
