By Samantha Doyle, Integrative Counsellor
Alexithymia is the inability to experience, express and describe one’s own emotions and/or the struggle to understand others’ emotions. This term was coined by the Psychiatrist Peter Sifneos in 1972 and means “without words for emotion” in Greek.
What is Male Normative Alexithymia (NMA)?
It is not considered a mental health disorder, more a personality trait, and so would not be diagnosed by a mental health professional. Individuals with alexithymia tend to find themselves confused when attempting to identify their own feelings. It can affect both men and women, however, some studies show it is more commonly experienced in men, and this can be due to traditional masculinity norms that emphasise toughness, stoicism and competition, which discourage the expression of vulnerable emotions.
Don’t be confused with the word ‘normative’, there is nothing ‘normal’ about Normative Male Alexithymia (NMA), and it actually refers to the ‘norms’ and ‘standards’ of society and culture that males are expected to follow. There’s still, to this day, a lot of pressure on young boys to restrict emotional expression, such as sadness, embarrassment, affection, due to feelings of shame, guilt or fear, because vulnerability is often associated with weakness. They may be told by caregivers that “babies cry” or “you need to toughen up” or laughed at by peers in response to showing vulnerable emotions like sadness. This teaches young boys that showing vulnerability is not ok and not safe, so repressing these emotions can become a defence mechanism, in order to protect them from hurt or rejection.
Being unable to express and talk about emotions, can disrupt emotional development, leading to boys not developing a vocabulary, or awareness of many of their emotions. This repressed vulnerability can result in them becoming detached from their authentic selves, leading to a disconnection from genuine emotions and relationships. This can make it difficult for those boys to acknowledge and accept their imperfections as they grow. The consequences of NMA can include difficulties in relationships, mental health challenges, and also unhealthy coping strategies.
Some of the signs of NMA are:
- Poor emotional awareness – saying things like “I don’t know how I feel” or “I know I feel something bad, but I don’t know what that is”
- Difficulty expressing feelings through verbal expression – an inability to say to the people close to them things like “I feel sad” or “that really upsets me”.
- Difficulty understanding how others feel – struggling to be empathetic and putting yourself in other people’s shoes.
- Difficulty linking own physical sensations to emotions – struggling to identify, describe, and differentiate between emotions and bodily sensations.
- Difficulty identifying social cues – difficulty identifying the changes in body language or emotions of others.
- Difficulty with self-reflection and introspection – processes carried out in order to understand oneself.
- Having limited imagination, creativity and fantasies.
- Mostly exhibiting logical and matter-of-fact thinking – avoiding expressing strong emotions or personal opinions when presenting information.
- Fear of intimacy – experiencing anxiety or discomfort when thinking about or engaging in close emotional, physical or intellectual connections with others.
How does NMA impact relationships?
As well as mutual respect, trust, honesty, open communication and shared values and interests, deep and meaningful relationships involve emotional support, empathy and the willingness to be vulnerable. The depth of a relationship depends on a person’s capacity to sit with their own and their partner’s feelings, without attempting to fix them.
This closeness and emotional support between two individuals is known as intimacy, and it is an essential part of romantic relationships. Research suggests that men who suffer from NMA, who lack the ability to identify and express their own emotions, may also have difficulty relating to their partner’s intimate emotions and therefore, come to fear them. Therefore, there is found to be an association between NMA and fear of intimacy. The research also suggests that men with NMA are less likely to communicate effectively with their partners and gain less satisfaction from relationships.
Mental health challenges linked to NMA
Alexithymia is associated with a higher risk of developing mental health problems. Being unable to recognise and express emotions makes it more challenging to regulate emotional responses, which can lead to chronic stress, anxiety and covert depression (see my previous article).
This could indicate that men suffering from NMA, who lack the ability to identify and express their own emotions, may also have difficulty relating to their partner’s intimate emotions and may withdraw or shut down when emotional closeness is needed most, leading to misunderstandings, frustration, and a growing sense of distance within the relationship.
Unhealthy coping strategies
The inability to effectively manage emotions can make men more susceptible to using unhealthy coping strategies, which can become automatic default responses to their stressors. This can look like emotional eating, excessive alcohol consumption, substance abuse, overworking, impulsive or risky behaviour, isolation, aggression. While these strategies can offer short-term relief from the way that people feel, they can lead to long-term emotional, psychological and even physical harm.
How can men find a way to understand their emotional world better?
If you feel that you can relate to this article and wish to gain a better understanding of self and have more satisfaction in relationships, then you can seek professional help from a therapist by clicking the link below.
Learning to name and share your emotions isn’t weakness, it’s how men build deeper relationships and reclaim authenticity.
