By Ben Jefferson MBACP, Counsellor in Cumbria & Men's Counselling Service's Co-Founder

If you’re reading this, there’s a chance that you are considering – or have considered – professional support for your mental health. If you have decided not to proceed, you’re definitely not alone.

Many men are deterred by the financial and administrative practicalities of finding support. Others worry about whether it could actually make a difference. In addition, there are many men who believe counselling just isn’t something men do. 

The subjects of this piece, however, are the men who decide not to seek support because they worry their problem isn’t serious enough to bring into the therapy room. More than two-thirds of our counsellors say they frequently see men deterred from accessing support early because they don’t see their problems as serious enough. We asked men this too, and nearly nine-in-ten (89%) agreed with them. 

If you recognise yourself in this description, this piece will hopefully help you understand that there is no benchmark for seeking help other than having something you want to explore with a professional. Men from all walks of life talk to counsellors for all sorts of reasons, and gain real benefits from doing so – there isn’t a barrier to entry.

Why we sometimes don’t think our problems are serious enough

The growth in both prevalence and visibility of mental health conditions in our society has not cleanly translated into more men coming forward and seeking support. While the number of men accessing NHS Talking Therapies has grown, men still only make up a third (33%) of the service’s referrals. A huge number of us simply never enter the system. 

As we have touched upon in another blog, a belief that men should deal with their problems themselves contributes massively to this. As a consequence, men might be less likely to seek support for a problem that feels serious and distressing, but not necessarily severe and debilitating. Feeling like you’re coping or just-about-managing can sometimes encourage you to keep your head down rather than putting your hand up.

This is reinforced by the frequent depiction in the media of therapy as a last resort for men. One of our favourites – The Sopranos – is a great example of this. Tony Soprano only engages (and even then, reluctantly) with therapy when his panic attacks become debilitating and threaten his livelihood. 

The reality is that counselling could be far more effective when framed as maintenance rather than repair, which was one of the principal reasons we founded Men’s Counselling Service.

Reframing therapy as maintenance rather than repair

If you’re interested in counselling, but find yourself wondering whether your issue is appropriate, these three considerations could help you reframe your decision. 

It doesn’t need to start with an event…

As mentioned, many men can view therapy as a reaction to a major life event such as a breakup, job loss, or bereavement. While it can undoubtedly help in such situations, there isn’t a benchmark you need to meet in order to benefit from it. Many men work with therapists for all kinds of issues. It could be that something has felt off for a while, but you’re not quite sure what it is. It could be a pattern you keep noticing in your personal relationships, or a situation you encounter frequently triggering a response. The absence of a big, life-altering event is not an indication that what you’re going through isn’t significant. 

.. and it doesn’t have to start with a problem

You don’t need a specific problem to bring to therapy, and plenty of men start because they want to work on something rather than necessarily fix anything. For example, you could have something you haven’t been able to vocalise, but would like to explore in greater depth. It could be that you want to change how you handle pressure, or navigate the difficulties of interpersonal relationships. Counselling can be incredibly effective when viewed as a tool for improving how you function, just as much as it can be for repairing yourself when you feel broken. 

Therapists get it 

Counsellors and therapists don’t use the same threshold that you might when determining whether you could benefit from therapy. We frequently observe that men feel that they need to wait until they clear a bar – a level of suffering that deserves intervention – before exploring their options. 

Counsellors view this differently. What defines whether something is worth attention is the degree to which you want to talk about it, engage with it, and explore it. 

Taking the next step

Too many men wait in ambient, low-level distress for decades for permission they never needed. According to American health authorities, for example, men wait an average of 11 years after symptoms start before seeking help for a mental health concern. 

We understand how hard it can be to take the first step, and the tribulations you can go through wondering if your problem qualifies you for counselling. We built Men’s Counselling Service because like so many other men, we struggled to understand that therapy was something that actually was for us, and that we didn’t need to face our problems on our own. 

Our site brings together passionate, qualified therapists and counsellors who are here because they want to work with men. There’s no commitment up front, and you don’t have to sign up to use our platform. 

If you’re now convinced that what you’ve been going through – no matter how big or how small – deserves to be heard, feel free to browse our directory. Our counsellors understand how difficult it can be to take the first step; they’re always happy to hear for you and explore how you could work together. 

If you’re still unsure or curious to learn more, check out our free resources:

https://menscounsellingservice.com/resources/ 

Related Articles:

Types of Therapy: A Guide to Common Approaches in the UK (4 minute read)

Therapy Isn’t Just for a Crisis: Why Talking Can Keep You Mentally Fit (4 minute read)

Men: Are You Secretly a People-Pleaser? (4 minute read) 

Disclaimer: 

This article is for information only and reflects the thoughts of the writer. It's not medical or mental health advice. Seek professional help for your needs. Men's Counselling Service LTD is not a crisis service. For emergencies, call your local services or the Samaritans at 116 123.

Next Steps: 

To find a men's therapist near you via our directory, click the Find Counselling For Men button below.