By Ben Jefferson MBACP, Counsellor in Cumbria & Men's Counselling Service's Co-Founder
If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you are interested in counselling but find that something keeps you from actually exploring your options or booking a session.
It might be that counselling feels like a big step into the unknown. Perhaps something has felt off for a while, but you’re coping by throwing yourself into your work or social life. Maybe funds are a little tight at the moment, and you’re not quite convinced that the cost of something you’ve never tried would be worth it. You might even be worried about what counselling might involve.
Many men feel the same way, and the data back this up. According to NHS Talking Therapies, men account for just a third of their annual referrals, suggesting a sizable proportion of men never even take the first step at all. Furthermore, a survey of our own men’s therapists revealed that just one-in-ten (13%) say men usually book a session within a month of noticing they need support.
For those who do commit to therapy, the benefits are pretty clear. Among men we surveyed in June, more than four-fifths (85%) of those who had had therapy say they wish they had done it sooner. Similarly, according to the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), most men who have had counselling would recommend it to someone in a similar position.
If you’re thinking about getting counselling but are still firmly on the fence, the below could hopefully give you a new perspective on three common reasons that might be keeping you out of the room.
Learned Self-Reliance
Maybe you think you should be dealing with your problems on your own, and that men should be able to handle everything life throws at them with a stoic resilience. This is a common mindset among men; four-fifths (85%) of our therapists tell us that a man believing he should be able to deal with his problems on his own can stop him from seeking support.
While resilience and self-reliance are useful traits in many situations, you should ask yourself if they are really serving you if they stop you getting help. Perhaps it’s worth reframing support seeking as an act of strength, rather than viewing it as something unmanly. Ultimately, nothing symbolises self-reliance like recognising a problem and addressing it.
A Fear of Vulnerability
You might also be scared of making yourself vulnerable through therapy, and worry that speaking about your problems will make them compound. This can be especially true if you have a habit of trying to ignore or suppress them. Two-fifths (40%) of our therapists say that a fear of confronting things they are not ready for stops men from seeking support. This is compounded by the fact that just one-fifth (21%) think men view seeking help for their problems as a sign of strength rather than weakness.
Worries about therapy being a process where you are forced to confront things head on immediately are typically misplaced, however. In most instances the process moves at a pace you are comfortable with, rather than throwing you in at the emotional deep end. Qualified counsellors invest in building a trusted relationship and rapport with you, which provides a platform for deeper exploration of your feelings and behaviours.
The Problem with Practicalities
Another reason you might not be pulling the trigger on finding support could be practicalities like cost and scheduling. Counselling can be an outlay of both time and money. Throwing yourself into distractions like work, your social life, and hobbies can sometimes feel easier, and this is sometimes especially true if your problem feels serious rather than severe.
Two-thirds (66%) of our therapists say these practicalities stop men from seeking support sooner. Furthermore, research also shows that this attitude of soldiering on is prevalent in male behaviour where health is confirmed; Beneden Health found that-two thirds of men continue working when they believe they should seek medical advice. Ploughing on is just something that men do.
The challenge is that these problems don’t usually dissipate through distraction. Ignoring a problem today could often mean facing a bigger one tomorrow.
A Decision is The Hardest Part
Given these barriers, making the leap from exploring therapy to actually booking a session can be extraordinarily tough. This might resonate with you if you’ve been silently struggling and just-about coping, keeping yourself busy to distract yourself, or believe that men should deal with their problems on their own.
That said, finding – and contacting – the right support is both easier and lower-stakes than you might think. It’s worth remembering that there is typically no commitment up front; therapists are generally very happy to have a conversation on the phone or over email for you to explore how working together might look. This means nothing is confronted head-on immediately, and more importantly that you have total control over the pace.
We built Men’s Counselling Service because we looked for help ourselves, and were overwhelmed by the process. Our priority is bringing together counsellors who understand men and love working with them, and our service is designed to make reaching out as easy as possible.
There are no sign-ups, we don’t store any of your data, and there is zero commitment or expectation up front. We also make reaching out as easy as possible, meaning you can explore the idea of counselling without having to spend hours surfing the web, or working out exactly what you’re looking for.
If you’re interested in finding therapy for men, head over to our directory to browse the profiles of hundreds of qualified counsellors who are here because they would love to give you the support you’re looking for.
Next Steps
Take a look at our counsellors and therapists today: https://menscounsellingservice.com/directory/
Or if you’re not ready to start looking, but interested in learning more about a specific challenge, problem, or issue; take a look at our free counselling resources written by our counsellors specifically for men:
https://menscounsellingservice.com/resources/