By Claire Rule, Anxiety and Stress Counsellor.
What is a people pleaser, you may ask.
This term gets bandied about a lot but what does it actually mean? Well to be succinct people pleasers tend to put other people’s needs above their own, and not just occasionally. They struggle to say no to others, often at the expense of their own well-being.
Perhaps traditionally people pleasing may be seen and associated more with women, the mother figure. But in reality it is just as prevalent in men, it may just show in different ways.
What is it about emotions and men – why are they so taboo?
Emotions are a funny thing aren’t they? We all have them, but apparently men are less able to express their emotions, in healthy ways. There are all these unwritten rules that seem to have come from somewhere. Of course this is not true for all men, thankfully society is working hard at challenging the old myths of ‘big boys don’t cry’ and ‘man up’ but they still linger. This is starkly shown when we look at the statistics surrounding suicide.
The male suicide rate in England per 100,000 was 17.1 in 2023, while for women it was 5.6 per 100,000.
That’s a significant difference, isn’t it?
So if it is not acceptable to have all these emotions, to be vulnerable and if the world equates strength with silence, then what happens when life gets stressful, at work or at home? What do you do to cope?
Perhaps you may find yourself taking on more and more, not wanting to be perceived as weak, incapable. But actually ‘No, I’m sorry, I have a lot on this week’ is what you really want to say. After all you are the protector, the provider and to admit you are feeling overburdened or overwhelmed would be unthinkable.
This pressure may not come just at work. Perhaps you have young children, or ones about to go to university. Maybe your partner is out of work or is a stay at home parent. Maybe throw some elderly relatives into the mix, parents, grandparents and I’m sure I could keep on going. Because apart from work we all have other responsibilities, whatever they may be.
So you keep pushing things down, pretending it’s all OK. But eventually something is going to snap isn’t it? Eventually those frustrations, that exhaustion is going to explode, implode, seep through your pores.
And then let’s not talk about the guilt that follows, another one of those pesky emotions!
But this is a form of people pleasing, because you putting other people before yourself. Saying yes to others and no to yourself, not just occasionally but most of the time. And to your detriment.
It’s about you trying to do everything, so you won’t be a bother to anyone, not be a burden, perhaps follow those stereotypes of the strong silent type, because that’s what a man should be…right?
Confidence, don’t you wish you had more! But how is this people pleasing?
Which brings me to another one of those stereotypes – the mine is bigger than yours one- comparing, flexing, posturing. So commonly portrayed in films as the confident one, the one who has it all sorted, think Homelander (The Boys) but a little less homicidal.
Only perhaps this isn’t the truth for everyone, and perhaps it’s not even true for the ones who appear that way.
Let’s create a scenario, there you are sitting with a group of mates, in a meeting, at a family gathering. Everyone is talking about their accomplishments, their adventures, their funny stories. And you’re scanning through yours…nope not that one, it’s not as funny as (insert name here), people will think I’m an idiot.
Nope, not that one either because compared to (insert name here) it’s just not that important. They have achieved so much more. And so you go on, minimising your day, your week, your life.
But how is this people pleasing, you may ask?
Well it might be you not wanting to take the limelight away from others, or perhaps you’re constantly comparing your life and feeling as though you are coming up short, feeling embarrassed or it could be you not sharing your accomplishments because you don’t want to brag – but why?
Perhaps in the past no one has noticed those accomplishment, so their importance has been stripped away over time. Or you were ridiculed for feeling proud of yourself or punished for being conceited. So you made yourself small, you let others shine and it worked, mostly, so what’s the problem with that? After all, occasionally we all stepped back for someone else, don’t we? But when fear is the thing stopping you, well actually it’s your self-esteem that is being stamped all over.
You have become so used to minimising, playing down your life that maybe it will stop you from going for that next promotion, asking that person you’ve had your eye on for a while out, choosing where you would like to go on holiday, taking small risks, taking big risks to move your life forward in the way you want it to go, whatever that may be. And eventually your life slows, grinding perhaps to a gradual stop.
And then we are on that roundabout, you know the one…
"I don't believe I have achieved as much > so I feel embarrassed to talk about myself > so nobody hears about what I have done in my life > so I don't get noticed or praised for anything > so I don't feel good enough, so I won't go for that promotion... and back round we go.
Or something similar, you can add in your own words. And that fear of rejection becomes greater, it limits you more and it starts to become the truth. It’s basically self-sabotage, and until you are ready to see the pattern and change it. You will probably keep going round in the circle.
I like to help – it’s who I am.
Which brings me to the people pleaser who likes to be indispensable. Who feels that in a crisis they are the one everyone will turn to and it’s a powerful position to be in. The reliable one, always calm in a crisis.
It’s midnight and the trains are doing that thing trains do – call Dad he’ll pick us up.
There’s a problem with a delivery at work just as your shift finishes – no problem (insert name here) will jump in his car, he doesn’t mind. He never does!
We just need someone to cover Saturday, the evening shift, Christmas, New Years….and so on.
And you’re that one. That one that gets the call, that gets assigned, that is always available. Sometimes at the cost of your time spent with family, of your social life, your sleep, but the feeling you get when you are called, it’s so amazing, almost addictive to be that person. You know people are thinking of you.
But are they taking advantage, or are you letting them?
It’s not that you are being devious, it may come from a deep held belief that the only reason people want you around is because you are useful, not because you are a nice person, or fun to be around but because of the errands you run or the lengths you’ll go to. At some point your brain has received the message that love equates to need. To gain love you must have a purpose and if you don’t, well maybe you’re not lovable.
So you go all out, and your stretch yourself thin, and you keep saying yes because you’re the man! The thing is resentment can closely follow, because a person can only do so much. And peoples expectations take on a lot of weight, and really you were looking forward to a lazy lie in on Sunday, a roast with your sister and her kids, a trip to the cinema with your partner.
So what’s the solution and what can you do?
Wouldn’t it be easy if there was a one size fits all, but sorry there isn’t. Mainly because we are not all people pleasers for the same reasons, and we are not all the same people.
Your best bet is to talk about it. Find someone, a friend, or a professional who can help you take a step back. Someone with a bit of honesty, coupled with care. Who won’t try to solve it all for you.
We all get into habits in our lives, and it’s not that they are bad or good. It’s just that some run their course and need to be altered, adapted or removed. At one point that need to help has meant that you got looked after by a parent or caregiver, or minimising your accomplishments stopped that colleague from making your life hell. But now those ways of managing are holding you back, stopping you from living your life and getting in the way of the future you may have imagined for yourself.
It may be uncomfortable, change always is, it can be confronting, and you may have to admit some things to yourself. I’m not going to lie you may even lose some people along the way.
But by talking to someone, by taking responsibility for yourself, by putting in those boundaries everyone talks about, and noticing those behaviours that may be limiting you it’s amazing what can be achieved over a short time.
I know I’ve seen it in my counselling room, I’ve seen it with my clients. That gradual journey to trusting in yourself.
Pleasing people should always be part of our lives, but it should not come at the cost of us living them to the full.
Written by Claire Rule, Anxiety and Stress Counsellor. To find out more about Therapist Claire Rule and the services she offers click here, or the button below.
