By David Cervera, Counsellor in London 

Walking out of the community you’ve grown up in, made friends in, or built your family within can be a daunting, painful and lonely experience.

Even if you’ve sat for weeks, months or years with doubt, resentment, anger, frustration – what you expect to feel in the moment you leave for the last time is some kind of sense of peace.

What really happens is a wide void, where your relationships are called into question and the community that was once part of your routine is now a painful wound that needs to be hidden from everyone around you. 

For men, whether you’ve grown up in a faith community and it is deeply embedded in your whole being, or if it’s something you came to and are now leaving as an adult – we know it’s not just a ‘set of beliefs’ that society may dismiss. It was your roadmap, your compass, your entire operating system. Once you were an active part of the body, now you feel like a lost limb in a very private and internalised war zone.

As much as it would be easy to say ‘find a friend to talk to’, you and I know that this might be an impossible ask. Either all your friends are still on the inside of the religious space, or they aren’t and they wouldn’t understand. So you stay quiet; you smile and tell everyone you’re ok – just having some space, or you’ll be around soon. All the while quietly spiralling about the future and ruminating amidst a secret crisis of identity.

This article explores why this transition is so painful for men and how therapeutic support can help you build your sense of self without relying on a theology or doctrine you no longer believe.

Why leaving feels like dying.

One of the most universally accepted understandings of a religious group is its tendency to promote a sense of tribalism. We’re all built to be in relationship and to desire community with others. Some of us need this feeling of belonging more than others. What a church, for example, does is foster an environment where (usually vulnerable people) are aligned to a common belief and way of living and expected to operate under this system.

In the Christian tradition, adoption is used as a metaphor for being (chosen as) a part of ‘God’s family’ (the church). Even the church dictates that attendance is a hallmark of a true believer. They may refute the term ‘club’, but they certainly use the word ‘member’, and so the club mentality exists within the unsaid understanding of the social structure of the institution. 

When we have pulled apart what we believe, being a part of this system feels untenable. It no longer feels like you are part of the body. Whether you have actually been excluded or not, it starts to feel that way anyway. We are left to deal with a ‘death of self’.

The process of leaving for some, therefore, may take a long long time, and there is usually a lot of trauma associated with this incongruence. For decades you may have found purpose in God, in the beliefs of the community, but now those safety nets are gone, the support system has been deconstructed and you are left with pretty much… nothing. This is lonely, but it also feels like one of our greatest fears: abandonment. Who is going to rescue you now?

If you have been a part of a community where there has been abuse cover-ups, exclusion and manipulation as a common part of your experience, you will have experienced not just a sense of disappointment, but of betrayal and moral injury. 

Mental Health Alert: Religious Trauma

One of the greatest impacts on any of our mental health is the cost of silence.

So often, whether explicitly or implicitly, religious communities punish doubt and questioning with silent shame or social shunning. And what is left as a result? Someone who cannot admit they are struggling because admission is weakness and when guilt and shame appear – doesn’t that just feel like sinning? 

So we don’t say anything – we keep going, we isolate ourselves and our feelings and we do this both to protect ourselves and our families from conflict and pain; the spiral of losing our faith and losing our sense of self. 

This expectation that men should have it all together, look after their partners, look after their children – remain a rock in a sea of vulnerability – is a way in which religious trauma intersects with toxic masculinity.

‘Pull yourself together and don’t think about finding a space of safety for your own vulnerability’ – you may tell yourself.

So you go back and forth between internalised pain and some sort of self-help. 

Untreated trauma from faith deconstruction and spiritual abuse often leads to chronic anxiety, depression, relationship breakdowns and substance misuse.

Rebuilding – the life you actually long for.

It’s so easy to try and replace the systems that have suppressed us with another way to try and box ourselves in and label us. Maybe if we’ve had these labels and systems our whole lives we almost can’t live without them.

I can see how coming to therapy might feel like another way you can listen to ‘an expert’ talk about your life, wellbeing and future… but therapy isn’t about finding a new god, or subscribing to a cult – it’s about discovering your values, helping you bring what has happened in your past to your conscious awareness of your present.

This may look like processing any religious trauma or childhood conditioning – understanding how early teachings shaped your current fears and relationships. Therapy can also help you navigate all your relationships and learn how to communicate your new beliefs to family, partners and friends without secrecy or defensiveness.

Therapy, in this sense, is helping you work through a huge identity shift, and how to live a more fulfilling and healthy life. It’s about finding meaning in new things, whether that’s nature, creativity, community or human connection.

How therapy helps navigate the transition.

A crucial aspect of the therapeutic space is confidentiality and non-judgement. Finding a therapist who allows you to feel safe is essential. Equally important is knowing they won’t judge your doubts or try to 'fix' your faith.

Ensuring your therapist understands trauma and practices in a trauma-informed way ensures that they will understand that what’s happening for you now isn’t just about the here and now, but that events and behaviours that you have been subject to in the past are directly impacting how you feel today. The root causes of religious trauma often stem from shame, guilt and fear. Even as you read this you might feel like that resonates with you – but you’re not really sure how.

Therapy might be a place to explore and develop coping strategies for anxiety and managing conflict – either within yourself or with others. Talking about these things can relieve a huge amount of tension and processing everything that is going on for you helps light a clearer path ahead.

You don’t have to do this alone anymore.

If you’ve got this far, I want to encourage you that you are one of hundreds, if not thousands of men struggling with this form of identity crisis – but you have stepped into exploring a space where you can find healing. This takes a lot of bravery; whether or not you feel ready for therapy yet.

From someone who has a lived experience of this journey, know that you are not broken – you are evolving. You are listening to yourself and your body, and for maybe the first time in your life, you are being honest about what you want and need.

This may be enough for you to know for now, and that’s ok. If you would like to explore all of this further and you’d like to connect with a therapist, finding someone who specialises in faith deconstruction and religious trauma may be helpful.

If you feel stuck, lonely or overwhelmed – the first step is acknowledging this pain.

From there we can begin uncovering some of the layers and help you heal from the past, to discover a more hope-filled and authentic future.

Book a free 20 minute intro session today to see if working together feels right for you. 

Related Articles:

The Unspoken Rulebook: What Happens When You Question the Script (4 minute read)

Life After Loss: A Whole New World (4 minute read)

When Men Grieve in Silence: Understanding Disenfranchised Grief (5 minute read) 

Disclaimer: 

This article is for information only and reflects the thoughts of the writer. It's not medical or mental health advice. Seek professional help for your needs. Men's Counselling Service LTD is not a crisis service. For emergencies, call your local services or the Samaritans at 116 123.

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