I really want to, but I just can't.
Have you ever caught yourself saying something like this? It comes up constantly in my work with people of all ages, stages and circumstances — usually something like this:
I really wish I wasn’t so hard on myself, but I can’t seem to stop the harsh voice in my head.
I really wish I could give myself a break, but I have to do it. No one else will.
I really wish I could say no but I just find myself agreeing to it then kicking myself afterwards.
I really wish I wasn’t such a worrier, but I can’t stop losing myself in the what ifs.
There are thousands more of these, covering all aspects of life — but most commonly they come up in how people relate to themselves, others, or the world. There's a recognition that what they want is possible. They see other people doing it or know they have the ability themselves… but still can't.
What keeps them stuck? There are usually two answers, simple on the surface but more complex underneath: safety and familiarity. They're tied up in one another. It's a lot safer to stick with what's familiar, even when it goes against what you instinctively want.
The stuckness can provoke real frustration for people – with themselves, with the world, and sometimes even with their therapist (which is completely welcome, by the way). Because if it's as simple as stepping out of something familiar into something slightly different, why is change so hard? Why, when you can rationally see that what you want isn't dangerous, does it still feel impossible? This is where the complexity comes in.
The fears prohibiting you from moving forward are rooted in ways you've adapted over time to keep yourself safe:
If I give myself a hard time, it'll protect me from making the same mistake again.
If I ask for help it causes problems, so I'll just do it myself.
If I say no, they might be angry or hurt — and I can't handle that.
If I don't think about the problem, it might happen, and then it'll be catastrophic.
This kind of thinking is really common, and even more so if you've lived through difficult emotional environments or experiences that left a significant mark. What I see with clients, again and again, is that they have no idea how to update their system — how to start living in a way that actually works for them rather than just keeping potential problems at bay. That's where working with a professional can help. All the rational thinking in the world can't update a system that fundamentally believes the way it’s working is essential for survival.
What's really happening is that two different parts of the person are working against each other. One part wants the best for you — it recognises that the current way of living is causing anxiety, overwhelm, anger, exhaustion. The other part wants to keep you safe by sticking to the strategies it knows.
It's like two parents arguing about what's best for their child. Each is driven by genuine care, but the pushing back and forth means the child can't move. The argument becomes the child's whole world — and for most children, living inside that argument is unsettling and overwhelming. It's the same with being stuck. Both parts want the best for you, but it's the struggle between them that takes over.
Therapy can help by creating a safe space for both parts to be heard. For the wants and fears on each side to be explored, and for both parts to become an integrated system — working together towards what you actually want. Not ignoring safety, not ignoring instinct, but balancing both. It might eventually look like this:
I can make mistakes, learn from them AND do that without beating myself up.
I can recognise what's my responsibility AND ask for help when I need it, even if the answer isn't always what I hoped for.
I'm allowed to voice what I want AND balance that with others. My needs won't always fit with theirs — but I can hold both rather than throwing mine out the window.
I can think through problems when they need attention AND let go of the ones I can't control without assuming the worst.
All of these carry the same theme: choice.
It's not about ignoring mistakes, dismissing other people's needs, or pretending future problems don't exist. It's about having the capacity to choose when to give those things the attention they deserve — and when to get on with your life in a way that's actually yours to choose.
