By Ben Jefferson MBACP, Counsellor in Cumbria & Men's Counselling Service's Co-Founder

Some men don’t give themselves permission to speak to a therapist because their lives seem great. They’re successful. They have loving partners. They see their friends regularly. To complain about their lot – and admit to feeling dissatisfied or unhappy – would be ungrateful. They see that other people have it much worse, and are therefore far more deserving of feeling frustrated. 

Yet beneath the surface, something feels a bit off. There might be a feeling of flatness rather than an abject sadness, with moments that should elicit joy losing their edge. Maybe you get a promotion, but rather than feeling thrilled you notice it seems to mean less than it should. Maybe you find that evenings with friends and loved ones pass pleasantly, but don’t leave a mark or a sense of contentment like they used to. 

If you recognise yourself in this, you might not necessarily conclude that anything is wrong with your life, but instead that something is wrong with you. You might jump to the conclusion that this feeling of flatness or off-ness must represent a failure of appreciation on your part. 

It’s easy to file this away under ingratitude, and to start approaching life differently while keeping your head down and keep ploughing on. That said, if you feel like this there might be more to unpack, and counselling could be a great place to start. If things feel off, it’s perhaps a sign to start exploring.

Naming The Pattern

You might think therapists working with men only deal with ‘specific’ issues – the challenges of bereavement, crippling anxiety, disordered thinking – but this isn’t true. Many counsellors and therapists frequently work with men whose lives are genuinely in order and can’t point to anything explicitly wrong, but arrive in the room with a low feeling they can’t account for. 

More men than you might think feel this way, too. In a survey we conducted of men in Britain, more than four-fifths (85%) said men often don't seek support because they don't believe their problem is serious enough to warrant it. A similar number of men worry about being judged for reaching out.

Why a good life can produce guilt 

As mentioned, men sometimes feel like they need permission to experience sadness, pain and other negative emotions. If you lose your job, being anxious about the future is seen as a valid and permissible expression. Similarly, if your relationship breaks down, being sad and reflective while you get over seems like a natural reaction. 

When nothing has visibly gone wrong, however, the same type of feelings have no clear cause to attach themselves to, which can make processing them more challenging. Without this external permission, men can provide their own internal justification; I must be flawed for having these feelings.

The better a life looks from the outside, the more this can register internally as ingratitude rather than a signal that needs to be taken seriously. 

Why this persists 

One of the principal reasons this often goes unaddressed might be that the same traits that can contribute to success in the first place can keep a man from exploring his feelings in greater depth. 

If you are used to handling things yourself, and have been managing them effectively over a long time, you will probably be familiar with self-reliance. You become used to handling things privately, and getting on with your life. 

In this instance, a ‘successful’ man’s competence can actually become something of a hindrance. The strength and robustness that got them to the top in the first place could potentially make it all the harder to deal with these negative feelings. 

What does therapy do with this? 

If you’re in this situation, you might ask yourself how therapy could actually help me? A session with a therapist or counsellor would typically provide a space for men to look at these feelings in depth, without having to first prove anything.

Much of the work consists of putting language to something that can have gone  unnamed for a long time. This can be difficult for some people to do in isolation or alone, because there’s very rarely a clear starting point or cause in instances like these. 

You might be wondering, do counsellors decide if I need help, or whether my situation qualifies for support. Counsellors provide the space to explore thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. They do not diagnose or judge, but value everything you say, rather than evaluating whether it was worth bringing.

How to get started 

If you feel like your life is objectively great, but you also feel something is off, it could be a good time to explore how therapy or counselling could help you. 

If any of this sounds like it resonates, you can browse our directory of fully qualified men’s counsellors and therapists here. 

We know how hard it can be to put what you’re feeling into words, and the guilt that can come with things going well for you, but still not feeling satisfied. That’s why we built the service we’d have wanted when we asked for help. 

Related Articles:

Why Do You Feel Stuck? (4 minute read)

The Emotions Come Later (4 minute read)

Feeling Stuck? Here’s a Different Way To Think About Change (5 minute read) 

Disclaimer: 

This article is for information only and reflects the thoughts of the writer. It's not medical or mental health advice. Seek professional help for your needs. Men's Counselling Service LTD is not a crisis service. For emergencies, call your local services or the Samaritans at 116 123.

Next Steps: 

To find a men's therapist near you via our directory, click the Find Counselling For Men button below.