By Dr Matthew Ireland, Existential Psychotherapist and Coach
“It’s a loop I can’t break – I hate myself after, but I keep going back.”
If you’ve ever thought, “Why do I always keep going back to porn?”, you’re not alone. For many, this pattern isn’t about pleasure – it’s about relief. A quick escape from stress, loneliness, or the fear that life is slipping away. Existential psychotherapy views this not simply as a bad habit or addiction, but often as part of a wider struggle with meaning, identity, and freedom – what’s sometimes called an existential crisis.
My research examines how these patterns can reveal deeper questions about individuals’ lives and ways of living.
What’s Really Going On? Beyond “addiction” sits a bigger question: What are you escaping from?
Common drivers are things like:
- Fear of failure or rejection – at work, in relationships, in social life.
- Feeling disconnected, unseen or abused – in the past or present.
- Loss of purpose – the sense that you’re drifting and time is slipping.
While “addiction” is a useful shorthand, it can obscure a deeper truth: many men who feel they rely on pornography experience a crisis of meaning and identity. They often describe living in two selves: the one the world sees, which performs strength and competence, and the one they hide, which feels confusion, shame, or sadness. The gap between them can feel exhausting.
“There’s the me I show the world, and the one I hide.”
The Loop You Know Too Well: Stress → Escape → Shame → Isolation → Despair → Repeat
On the surface, it looks like a behaviour problem. But at a deeper level, it’s often a meaning problem. Those feelings of guilt or hopelessness? They’re not weaknesses – they’re pointing to what matters: relationships with yourself or others; ambitions you haven’t given up on; an identity afraid to show itself; values you still care about.
For many men, endlessly searching through pornography mirrors a wider search in life – for certainty, connection, or just something better – without ever finding it.
Online fantasy can feel like freedom, but the price is often a growing sense of being trapped – less agency, less connection and more distance from the life you want.
“I feel like I’ve wasted years – and I don’t know how to stop.”
Why Talking Feels Hard – and Why It Helps
Therapy can feel risky. Maybe you worry it’ll be “too deep” or “not for men like me.” Those doubts make sense – especially if you were taught to sort things out alone.
Existential therapy takes a different approach:
- No labels. No diagnosis. No judgment.
- Explore what this habit is trying to tell you.
- Focus on meaning, values and choice.
- Find a way to live that feels more authentic.
“I didn’t want to be labelled. I just wanted to understand what's happening to me.”
What Can Help (Practically): Start by asking, not fixing
Before you try to quit, pause and get curious. Awareness is the first step to change. Write these down and sit with them for five minutes:
- What is this doing for me? Is it helping me avoid anxiety, loneliness or the fear of failing? What feeling does it give me that I can’t find elsewhere?
- Who am I when no one’s looking? Do I feel like two different people – the one I show the world and the one I hide? What would it take to feel whole?
- What is my guilt telling me? What matters so much that I feel this way? What choice could move me closer to that? What am I really looking for?
When you treat your habit as data about your life – not a verdict on your character – you create space to change the conditions that keep it alive: stress, secrecy, shame, lack of purpose.
“When I realised this story trap, I was no longer in it – I was outside, looking in. I am not my story.”
Why Existential Therapy: Reclaiming control, connection and meaning
Freedom often begins with genuine connection. In my research, men described how isolation and secrecy deepened the cycle. Therapy offers something different: a relationship where you can be seen without judgment and start to feel authentic again. Existential therapy helps you:
- Face difficult emotions as gateways to purpose
- Reconnect with values you’ve lost
- Explore identity beyond shame
- Explore questions in a safe, non-judgemental space.
This approach sees your struggle not as a flaw, but as a signpost – pointing to what matters most.
“You’re not broken. You’re stuck in a loop that makes sense – if we understand what you’re really trying to escape.”
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
You don’t need to white-knuckle it. If you’re ready to explore what this pattern is trying to tell you – and take steps towards a life that feels more grounded and meaningful – get in touch.
“Therapy helped me realise I wasn’t addicted – I was lost.”
