By Elaine Bond, Counsellor in Nottingham

Relational therapy is a form of counselling built on the idea that the way we relate to other people shapes how we feel and how we cope when life gets difficult. As a relational therapist, I work on the assumption that many of the things people bring to counselling, from finding it hard to trust a partner to never quite asking for help at work, have their roots in patterns learned in earlier relationships. This article explains what relational therapy is, how it works in practice, and what it can look like in counselling for men.

What is relational therapy?

Relational therapy is an approach to counselling that treats relationships as central to emotional wellbeing and to recovery. From early in life we learn what to expect from other people through the people around us, and those early experiences go on to shape how we behave with partners, friends, family and colleagues.

When our relationships give us warmth and support, they help us stay steady. When they have been difficult, or when something in the past was painful, the effects often show up in our mental health, sometimes years later. Relational therapy looks at past relationships where they are relevant, but much of the work happens in the present, including in the relationship between you and me.

The approach also recognises that relationships happen in a wider context. Culture, gender, class, race, sexuality, disability and age all affect how we relate to others, and that includes how we relate to a therapist.

How does relational therapy work?

In relational therapy, the relationship between client and therapist is part of the work itself. Counselling is a relationship, and the habits you bring to other relationships tend to appear in it too. Over time we might notice how you handle closeness, for example, or what happens when you need something and aren't sure how to ask for it.

When those patterns appear in the room, we can look at them as they happen, which is often more revealing than talking about what happened somewhere else. Therapists call one part of this transference: feelings and expectations from earlier relationships being carried into the therapeutic one. Noticing it gives us a direct way of understanding something that would otherwise be hard to see.

My role is to help you understand yourself and what you want from your relationships. I won't tell you how your relationships ought to work. We both shape the sessions, and what you bring influences me as much as what I bring influences you. The practical aim is to slow down automatic responses, such as people-pleasing, so that you can make a deliberate choice in situations where you would previously have reacted without thinking.

How relational therapy works in counselling for men

Many men grow up learning to manage things on their own, and that habit of self-reliance carries into their relationships, including the one with a therapist. In relational therapy this is useful material. If you find it uncomfortable to rely on someone, or you tend to keep the conversation on practical ground, we can notice that together and without judgement, because it is often the same pattern that causes difficulty at home or at work.

Relational therapy can also suit men who are wary of being told what to do. The work is collaborative, and you decide what to talk about and how quickly.

Because the relationship matters so much in this approach, it is worth choosing a therapist you feel comfortable with. Research consistently finds that the quality of the relationship between client and therapist is one of the strongest predictors of how well therapy goes, whichever approach the therapist uses.

What kinds of patterns can relational therapy help with?

Relational therapy can help when you notice the same difficulties coming up in your relationships again and again. You might, for example:

Find it hard to trust people

Worry about being rejected or left

Find it difficult to say no or set limits

Avoid conflict even when something matters to you

Feel responsible for how other people feel

Find it difficult to ask for support

These patterns often run outside our awareness. They tend to surface as questions people ask themselves, such as why it is so hard to say no, or why they push people away when what they actually want is to be close. Relational therapy gives you time to look at where these patterns came from and whether they still serve you.

Looking at the past in this way is about understanding how earlier experiences shaped the person you are now, and it doesn't require blaming anyone for them.

Is relational therapy only about romantic relationships?

Relational therapy covers every kind of relationship, and romantic ones are only part of it. It can help with family, friendships and work, and with the relationship you have with yourself, which matters particularly if you live with a harsh inner critic or aren't sure what you need from other people. It can also help if you feel lonely or disconnected and aren't sure how to build the relationships you would like to have.

What would we talk about in relational therapy?

You can bring whatever feels most pressing. That might be a particular relationship, a pattern you keep repeating, something from childhood, loneliness, or difficulty with boundaries. You don't need a clearly defined problem, and a sense that something in your life isn't right is enough to start with. My job is to make it possible for you to talk about whatever you choose.

Is relational therapy right for me?

There isn't a simple answer, because therapy is personal and the fit between you and your therapist matters a great deal. Relational therapy tends to suit people who want to understand themselves more fully and are curious about the links between their past and the way they relate to people now.

You don't need to have things worked out before you start. Uncertainty and unanswered questions are reasonable things to bring to a first session.

Starting relational therapy

Starting counselling can feel like a big decision, and it is normal to feel unsure about discussing personal experiences with someone new. Trust in a therapeutic relationship builds over time, so in relational work you set the pace and decide how much to share and when. Many therapists offer a short introductory call, which gives you a chance to get a sense of whether you would feel comfortable working together before committing to anything.

Related Articles:

The Challenge of Relationships (3 minute read)

Stuck in a Repetitive Conflict in Your Relationship? Here's How to Move Forward (6 minute read)

Men: Are You Secretly a People-Pleaser? (4 minute read)

Disclaimer: 

This article is for information only and reflects the thoughts of the writer. It's not medical or mental health advice. Seek professional help for your needs. Men's Counselling Service LTD is not a crisis service. For emergencies, call your local services or the Samaritans at 116 123.

Next Steps: 

To find a men's therapist near you via our directory, click the Find Counselling For Men button below.